ah.

how.  lonely.

haha...

i can't feel.  anything.

being weightless...  should feel good, right?

would it be so weird to ask...

for a cage?

i'm a wreck.

I always doubt my friends, almost every moment, if not that, every day.  If not that, every week.  I don't know why I'm always paranoid, I just am.  I guess I just never really got so close to anyone.  It's always nice, though, to be reassured of the friends you have.  This paranoia, though...  I hope it won't be a problem.  I hope it'll go away soon.  Because right now, I am so sure of my friends, how trustworthy they are, how they always have my back, how I can depend on them as much as they depend on me... and although this feeling will be fleeting, if I record it here, I'm almost certain my paranoia will soon diminish to nothingness. 

I can't push them away, and I can't close myself off because of second guesses..  I'm already pushing away someone subtly, I can tell...  They don't know it now, so while they don't, I'll try and grab hold of it as much as I can...  It's not too late.

Love is nothing more to me than a little plaything we humans swing from side to side in front of others' eyes.  I think I've grown immune to it.  I don't love anyone, at least, not unless they were family or friends.  I haven't loved anyone for a long time.  For a long time now, I haven't crushed on anyone, I've only been a bit agitated over this one girl, but the crush I had for her was long gone. 

I forget, what does it feel like to be truly mad over someone?  Everytime I think I'm close to it, I doubt it and turn away.  I guess it's natural, I mean, if something had the potential to make you crazy, don't you think you'd jump on it?  I certainly would, I would more than gladly invite love into my life, but I haven't.

Interested does not equal love, when I talk to my friends, I hear how they are just obsessed over the person they like/love.  How they've never felt this way about anyone before, mind you, I'm not aiming this towards anyone, but most of my friends as a whole.  Whether how long they waited, tried, or kept going, I wonder why I didn't have the will to do any of those things for any girl.  I know, part of their speech relies on their naivety, but still, I envy that..  I envy the fact that they can be so determined to go for someone, despite knowing them, approaching them, or after all the hints of rejects the girls so playfully (or sadistically) leave behind. 

I'm clueless most of the time, but there are times when I can just see through people.  Why wouldn't I be able to?  I've been distributing advice for as long as I can remember.  And from whom do they think they're getting advice from?  My experience is simply one legit relationship, nothing more.  What is my word worth?

I realize that even though I'm interested in a girl, I would never do this or that to get her.  It's not a matter of bravery or courage, it's the matter of realizing that my will is little to none.  So why carry on if I can only do it half-assedly?

I'm too analytical, too paranoid, and double think way too many times.  Compatibility matches to no one I know.  I like to be loud and obnoxious, it's fun.  Being open is not something I'm experienced at, but it's opening up a lot of doors for me, I just wish more people I knew would just give it a try.  Love is so hard to grasp, is it because I won't allow myself to fall too deep?  Whether I like to admit it or not, I didn't enjoy ending things between her and I.  I never like ending things between anyone.  But if I keep looking towards the future in that point of time in every potential relationship I come across, how can I ever by happy?  I only sabotage myself; this, I must fix.